guy lives in a garbage truck

This is wild!!!!!

He lives in a garbage truck! You have to look at this house!

Beer Troubleshooting

FULLY BUILT IN WHITE GOLD Body ( Abu Dhabi registration)

Mental patient is singing while lying in his hospital bed. After a song,
he
turns face down to sing again.

NURSE: Bakit ka bumaliktad?
PATIENT: Side B na kasi eh.



Guro: Ano dapat gawin pag may lindol?
Boy: Buksan po ang ilaw!
Guro: Bakit?
Boy: Kasi po sa bahay kubo namin, madalas lumindol
kapag gabi, pero pag-switch ko po ng ilaw, biglang tumitigil!!!



ANAK: `Nay, sabi ng titser ko ang ina ay ILAW NG TAHANAN. Eh ano naman
po
ang tawag sa ama?

INA (aburido): Sabihin mo sa ma`am mo, ang AMA ang taga-PUNDI NG ILAW!!!



Pari nagmimisa: sino sa inyo ang may kagalit??

Taass kamay lahat pwera sa isang matandang babae.

Pari: si lola lang ang walang kagalit... ano edad nyo lola??

Lola: 93 anyos.

Pari: Tingnan nyo si lola...93 na pero walang kagalit!! Lola bakit wala
kayong kagalit???

Lola: PATAY na ang mga WALANGHIYA!! !



Isang panget na babae, hinoholdap.. .

Holdaper: Holdap ito! Akin na gamit mo!

Babae (sumigaw): RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!

Holdaper: Anong rape? Holdap nga to eh!

Babae: Nagsa-suggest lang.



TEACHER: Class draw a fish..!

CLASS: Yes ma`am!

TEACHER: Pedro, why is ur drawing very dirty..?

PEDRO: Ma`am, bagoong po yan."



REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na
po
ang next step ninyo??

Police: DNA na...

REPORTER: Sir, ano po yung DNA?

Police: "Di Namin Alam"



BOY: Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo! Lahat ng gingawa ko puro
mali !
Lagi nalang ako mali !!!

Di `nyo na ako mahal!

AMA: Nagkakamali ka anak?

BOY: Shet! Mali na naman ako!!!



TITSER: Ba`t ka na-late?

EDWARD: Nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.

TITSER: Tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?

EDWARD: Hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya



WIFE: maghiwalay na tayo!

MAN: ok,akin ang bahay!

WIFE: akin ang farm!

MAN: akin ang kotse!

WIFE: ah pero akin driver

MAN: pwes, magkakamatayan tayo, MATAGAL NA SIYANG AKIN!"




ANAK: Inay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?

NANAY: Iyun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.

ANAK: Mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!

NANAY: Bakit?

ANAK: Ang dami niyong utos eh!



Kung totoo ang ` Darwin `s theory of evolution` na ang tao ay nagmula sa
unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo?



CONFIDENT VS. CONFIDENTIAL
Anak: Itay, ano ang kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?

Itay: Anak ko ikaw, CONFIDENT ako dyan.

...Yung bespren mong si Tikboy, anak ko rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.

Nature's Pharmacy

A friend sent this to me. It's been said that God first separated the salt water from the fresh, made dry land, planted a garden, made animals and fish... all before making a human. He made and provided what we'd need before we were born. These are best & more powerful when eaten raw. We're such slow learners...

God left us a great clue as to what foods help what part of our body!
God's Pharmacy! Amazing!
A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye... and YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.
A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.
Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.
A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.
Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.
Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.
Avocadoes, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this? It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (mo dern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).
Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.
Sweet Potatoeslook like the pancreas and actual ly bal ance the glycemic index of diabetics.
Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries
Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just l ike the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.
Onions look like the body's cells. Today's research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.

five tips for something new

TIRED IN EVERYDAY DOING? Here are five tips for something new¦
1. Sikmuraan ang unang taong makasalubong at humingi ng sorry.
2. Uminom ng pampatulog at labanan ito. Mag-exercise.
3. Tibagin ang bahay at buuing muli.
4. Himatayin kunwari sa daan. Tiyaking may tao.
5. Tahiin ang puwet at magpatingin sa doktor.

Mga PAMATAY na HIRIT
"Kumain ka ba ng asukal? Ang tamis kasi ng ngiti mo!"
"May lahi ka bang keyboard? Type kasi kita!"
"Ipapupulis kita! Ninakaw mo kasi ang puso ko!"
"Are you a dictionary? Kasi, you add meaning to my life."
"Meron ka bang lisensya? Kasi, you drive me crazy."
"I lost my number. Can I have yours?"
"Angel ba ang name mo? Kasi, you look like one."
"I forgot your name. Can I call you mine?"

PAMATAY na REPLY
"Excuse me, kumain ka ba ng mais? Ang corny mo kasi!"

Symptoms of a CERTIFIED SINGLE:

• Mahilig kumain.
• Panalo ang social life. Alam lahat ng gimikan at mall sale.
• Hayok sa tulog.
• Gadget-addict.
• Sa cellphone, group message nang group message ng quotes.
• Ngumingiti kahit nag-iisa.
• Tumataba.
• Porma to the max.
• Mukhang happy kahit hindi naman talaga.

Symptoms of CERTIFIED TAKEN:

• Walang pera.
• Mukhang ngarag at laspag.
• Kuripot.
• Blooming, kasi, kailangan para hindi iwan.
• Walang social life kundi dyowa niya.
• Boring kausap.

Only in the Philippines

Check out what's inside









whats unda the hood???

jukes

Q: How will a gentleman say 2 his dinner date na jijingle xa?

A: Excuse me,i have 2 shake hands with a friend of mine who
hope to meet you after dinner ...

------

1st night lola wore see thru dress, lolo didn't react...
2nd night lola wore t-back, lolo still deadma...
3rd night lola all naked, lolo said "anu yan suot mo, gusot-gusot!!"

----------

Lasing (takot): may multo sa banyo natin!
Wife: ha? Bakit?
Lasing: kasi bumubukas yung ilaw pag papasok ako ng ! banyo eh.
Wife: loko ka! ikaw pala umiihi sa ref!

-----------

" hindi lahat ng party ay masaya.."
- 3RD PARTY (ngeekk!)


"hindi lahat ng 13 ay malas.."
- 13TH MONTH PAY (yeheey!)


"hindi lahat ng negative ay nakakalungkot.."
- PREGNANCY TEST (wheeew!)


"hindi lahat ng positove ipinagsasaya.."
- HIV POSITIVE (araay!)


"hindi lahat ng hinog masustansya.."
- PIGSA (ewwww!)



*********



HALLMARK cards dats u can send 2 ur ex...


FRONT OF CARD :
as the days go by, i think of how lucky i am..

INSIDE:
that ur not here 2 ruin it 4 me..


FRONT :
iv always wanted 2 have someone 2 have & hold, someone 2 love..

INSIDE:
after having met u, never mind..


FRONT:
i must admit u brought religion in my life..

INSIDE:
i never believed in hell till i met u!


FRONT:
looking back over the yrs.dat wev been together, i cant help but wonder..

INSIDE:
what the hell was i thinking?!




***********************


one day a girl got a note from her bf:

BF's note..

"our relationship's off, cud u send my pix back?"

d girl sent a pile of pictures of diff.boys wit d msg.:

" i cant remember wat u looK like, cud u pls, take out uR photos and return the rest?!"

--------

Pari: Kahapon may magandang babaing nakahubo't hubad na humahabol sakin. Ang ginawa ko, sinuotan ko ng damit. Kayo po Bishop,kung kayo ang nasa lugar ko, ano ang gagawin nyo?
Bishop: Katulad mo, magsisinungaling din ako.

----------

A gay was joining the army
but came late for the examination.
The men ahead of him were all naked ready for inspection.

He looked and shouted,
"Jusko! Maloloka ako!
Ano ito? Eat all you can?"

-------------

Nung bata pa ako,kapag may ikinakakasal, lagi akong niloloko ng lolo at lola ko ng,"Uy,sya na ang susunod."
Tumigil lang sila nung minsang may mamatay at sinabi kong,"Uy, sila na ang susunod."

----------

pra maiba nmn..

Ina: Bakit buntis ka?

Anak: project po 2 sa skul 2ngkol sa miracle of life..

Ina: ano? cnu ama nyan ha? sabihin mo!

Anak: nay.. madami po eh.. group project po kc! nanay nmn eh!


****************************** ***

Nanay: ang lakas mo lumamon pero di ka mautusan! ang kapal mo!

Anak: kapag ang alaga nating baboy malakas kumain natutuwa ka! cnu ba tlga anak mo? ako o ung baboy?.. umayos ka nay.. wag ganun..

---------------

An Arab being interviewed at the US embassy.

CONSUL: Your name pls?

ARAB: Abdul Aziz

CONSUL: Sex?
ARAB: Six times a week

CONSUL:I mean, "male" or "female"

ARAB: Both male and femeale, sometyms even camels.

CONSUL: Holy cow!!!!

ARAB; Yes, cows and dogs too.

CONSUL: Man, isnt that hostile?

ARAB: Horse style,dog style, any style

CONSUL: Oh dear!

ARAB: Deer? No deer, they run too fast

--------------------

Nasa Likod Lang Ako

Kapag natisod ka… kapag nadapa ka… kapag nahulog ka… kapag natumba ka… at nakita mo silang pinagtatawanan ka…

Nasa likod mo lang ako.

Halos mamatay rin sa katatawa.

--------------------------

Ang kape at ang gatas

kung ang kape ay pampa high blood.........
at ang gatas ay pampalakas...........
ano ang tawag pag pinag sama sila?
eh di pampalakas ng high blood!!!!!

-----------------

panlilinlang...
lumubog ang barko..


patay lahat ang pasahero

maliban sa isang

ulikbang ita...

ITA:( umiiyak)
pating, kainin mo ako!

PATING: wag mo nga akong linlangin! pusit ka!

--------------

Lasing at Pangit
Naglalakad ang isang babae ng mapdaan siya sa harapan ng lasing.
Lasing: Hoy babae ang pangit mo!
Babae: "Wanghiya! palibhasa wala kang
magawa lasengo!!!
Lasing: Ok lang.... bukas wala na ito...eh ikaw

--------------

Nanay na Payat: Walanghiya kang bata ka! Laro ka ng laro ng computer.! Hindi mo ba alam na Galing sa dugo't pawis namin ng tatay mo ang perang ginagasta mo?!

(Anak nag-taka)

Anak: Dino-donate na pala pawis ngayun?