jukes

Q: How will a gentleman say 2 his dinner date na jijingle xa?

A: Excuse me,i have 2 shake hands with a friend of mine who
hope to meet you after dinner ...

------

1st night lola wore see thru dress, lolo didn't react...
2nd night lola wore t-back, lolo still deadma...
3rd night lola all naked, lolo said "anu yan suot mo, gusot-gusot!!"

----------

Lasing (takot): may multo sa banyo natin!
Wife: ha? Bakit?
Lasing: kasi bumubukas yung ilaw pag papasok ako ng ! banyo eh.
Wife: loko ka! ikaw pala umiihi sa ref!

-----------

" hindi lahat ng party ay masaya.."
- 3RD PARTY (ngeekk!)


"hindi lahat ng 13 ay malas.."
- 13TH MONTH PAY (yeheey!)


"hindi lahat ng negative ay nakakalungkot.."
- PREGNANCY TEST (wheeew!)


"hindi lahat ng positove ipinagsasaya.."
- HIV POSITIVE (araay!)


"hindi lahat ng hinog masustansya.."
- PIGSA (ewwww!)



*********



HALLMARK cards dats u can send 2 ur ex...


FRONT OF CARD :
as the days go by, i think of how lucky i am..

INSIDE:
that ur not here 2 ruin it 4 me..


FRONT :
iv always wanted 2 have someone 2 have & hold, someone 2 love..

INSIDE:
after having met u, never mind..


FRONT:
i must admit u brought religion in my life..

INSIDE:
i never believed in hell till i met u!


FRONT:
looking back over the yrs.dat wev been together, i cant help but wonder..

INSIDE:
what the hell was i thinking?!




***********************


one day a girl got a note from her bf:

BF's note..

"our relationship's off, cud u send my pix back?"

d girl sent a pile of pictures of diff.boys wit d msg.:

" i cant remember wat u looK like, cud u pls, take out uR photos and return the rest?!"

--------

Pari: Kahapon may magandang babaing nakahubo't hubad na humahabol sakin. Ang ginawa ko, sinuotan ko ng damit. Kayo po Bishop,kung kayo ang nasa lugar ko, ano ang gagawin nyo?
Bishop: Katulad mo, magsisinungaling din ako.

----------

A gay was joining the army
but came late for the examination.
The men ahead of him were all naked ready for inspection.

He looked and shouted,
"Jusko! Maloloka ako!
Ano ito? Eat all you can?"

-------------

Nung bata pa ako,kapag may ikinakakasal, lagi akong niloloko ng lolo at lola ko ng,"Uy,sya na ang susunod."
Tumigil lang sila nung minsang may mamatay at sinabi kong,"Uy, sila na ang susunod."

----------

pra maiba nmn..

Ina: Bakit buntis ka?

Anak: project po 2 sa skul 2ngkol sa miracle of life..

Ina: ano? cnu ama nyan ha? sabihin mo!

Anak: nay.. madami po eh.. group project po kc! nanay nmn eh!


****************************** ***

Nanay: ang lakas mo lumamon pero di ka mautusan! ang kapal mo!

Anak: kapag ang alaga nating baboy malakas kumain natutuwa ka! cnu ba tlga anak mo? ako o ung baboy?.. umayos ka nay.. wag ganun..

---------------

An Arab being interviewed at the US embassy.

CONSUL: Your name pls?

ARAB: Abdul Aziz

CONSUL: Sex?
ARAB: Six times a week

CONSUL:I mean, "male" or "female"

ARAB: Both male and femeale, sometyms even camels.

CONSUL: Holy cow!!!!

ARAB; Yes, cows and dogs too.

CONSUL: Man, isnt that hostile?

ARAB: Horse style,dog style, any style

CONSUL: Oh dear!

ARAB: Deer? No deer, they run too fast

--------------------

Nasa Likod Lang Ako

Kapag natisod ka… kapag nadapa ka… kapag nahulog ka… kapag natumba ka… at nakita mo silang pinagtatawanan ka…

Nasa likod mo lang ako.

Halos mamatay rin sa katatawa.

--------------------------

Ang kape at ang gatas

kung ang kape ay pampa high blood.........
at ang gatas ay pampalakas...........
ano ang tawag pag pinag sama sila?
eh di pampalakas ng high blood!!!!!

-----------------

panlilinlang...
lumubog ang barko..


patay lahat ang pasahero

maliban sa isang

ulikbang ita...

ITA:( umiiyak)
pating, kainin mo ako!

PATING: wag mo nga akong linlangin! pusit ka!

--------------

Lasing at Pangit
Naglalakad ang isang babae ng mapdaan siya sa harapan ng lasing.
Lasing: Hoy babae ang pangit mo!
Babae: "Wanghiya! palibhasa wala kang
magawa lasengo!!!
Lasing: Ok lang.... bukas wala na ito...eh ikaw

--------------

Nanay na Payat: Walanghiya kang bata ka! Laro ka ng laro ng computer.! Hindi mo ba alam na Galing sa dugo't pawis namin ng tatay mo ang perang ginagasta mo?!

(Anak nag-taka)

Anak: Dino-donate na pala pawis ngayun?

dyok

Wife : Love, mahal mo ba ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife : Enjoy ka ba sa akin?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife : Baka naman niloloko mo lang ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.

---------
ANAK: 'Tay, anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner?
ITAY: Anak, pagkumain tayo sa labas, Dinner 'yun. Pag dito tayo kakain
ng luto ng Mommy mo, Suffer yon!!

---------
Grabe talaga ang mga iba diyan. Mahirap intindihin...... sa kanila ang
malambot "SUP", ang sabaw "SUP", ang sabon "SUP" pa rin.

---------
Loi: "Love, may mga friends ako na nagpa-enhance ng boobs. Okey lang ba sayo kung magpadagdag din ako?
Erap: "Ewan ko, parang hindi yata bagay sa'yo
ang tatlong suso!!!"

---------
Ale: Doc, meron po akong brownish discharge.
Parang na- infect.
Duktor: Gaano kadalas ka mag-sex?
Ale: Once a year po.
Duktor: Ahh, hindi yan infection, KALAWANG YAN!!

---------

Girl 1 : Halata na tiyan mo, bakit di pa kayo magpakasal ng BF mo?
Girl 2 : Ayaw ng pamilya niya eh !
Girl 1 : Sino may ayaw, tatay o nanay niya ?
Girl 2 : yung misis niya !

mahirap And mayaman..

mahirap And mayaman..

Kung mayaman ka, meron kang allergy";
kung mahirap ka, ang tawag dyan ay "galis".

Sa mahirap, "sira ang ulo";
sa mayaman, "nervous breakdown" dahil sa "tension".

Sa mayamang "malikot ang kamay" ang tawag ay "kleptomaniac";
sa mahirap, ang tawag dito ay "magnanakaw".

Pag mayaman ka, you're "eccentric";
kung mahirap ka, "may toyo ka sa ulo".

Kung mahirap ka at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay "nalipasan ng gutom";
kung mayaman ka naman at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay may "migraine".

Kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "kuba",
pero kung mayaman ka, you are referred to as someone who is "scoliotic".

Kung isa kang domestic na maitim, ikaw ay "ita" o "negrita",
pero ang señorita mo kahit kasingkulay mo, ang tawag ay "morena" o "kayumanggi".

Kung nasa high society ka, you are approvingly called "slender" or "balingkitan";
kung mahirap ka lang, you are plainly called "payatot" o "patpatin" o "tisika" (kung masyado kang payat).

Kung nasa high society ka pa rin at ikaw ay maliit, ang tawag sa iyo ay "petite";
kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay "pandak" o "bansot" o "unano".

Kung mahirap ka at date ka rito, date ka doon, ang tawag sa iyo ay "nagwawala";
kung well-off kayo, ikaw ay "game".

"Malandi" ka kung isa kang dukhang alembong;
pero kung mayaman kayo, ang tawag sa iyo ay "liberated".

Ang mahirap na tumatanda ay "gumugurang";
sa mayamang tumatanda, the description is "he or she graduates gracefully into senior citizenhood".

Ang anak ng mayaman ay "slow learner';
ang equivalent na anak ng mahirap ay "bobo" o "pangod".

Kung mayaman ka at marami kang kumain, you flatter your host who says "masarap kang kumain, and I like you, you do justice to my cooking";
kung ghastly peasant ka eating the same amount in the same house, your host will say to himself or herself na ikaw ay "patay-gutom" o "hampaslupa!"

Anak : Tays ! kakains nas tayos !
Tatay : Hoy ! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng 'S' sa mga sinasabi mo
ha ! Ano ba ang ulam ?
Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA !

33 Facts about Guys

*really very true...................
Girls are surely going to read it
*believe it or not...................

01. Guys like their gadgets & bikes more than a girl. Guys don't actually look after good-looking girls. They prefer neat and presentable girls.

02. Guys hate flirts.

03. When a guy says he doesn't understand you, it simply means you're not thinking the way he is.

04. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.

05. When a guy really likes you, he'll disregard all your bad characteristics.

06. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

07. Guys will do anything just to get the girl's attention.

08. When you touch a guy's heart, there's no turning back.

09. When a girl says "no", a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow".... so true.

10. You have to tell a guy what you really want before he gets the message clearly.

11. Guys love their moms.

12. A guy would sacrifice his money for lunch just to get you a couple of roses.

13. A guy often thinks about the girl who likes him. But this doesn't mean that the guy likes her.

14. You can never understand him unless you listen to him.

15. If a guy tells you he loves you once in a lifetime. He does.

16. Beware. Guys can make gossips scatter through half of the face of the earth faster than girls can.

17. Like Eve, girls are guys' weaknesses.

18. Guys are very open about themselves.

19. Its good to test a guy first before you believe him. But don't let him wait that long.

20. Guys hate it when their clothes get dirty. Even a small dot.

21. Guys really admire girls that they like even if they're not that much pretty.

22. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice ... very true.

23. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

24. Guys keep secrets that girls tell them.

25. Guys think too much.

26. Guys fantasies are unlimited.

27. Girls' height doesn't really matter to a guy but her weight does! ... very true.

28. Guys tend to get serious with their relationship and become too possessive. So watch out girls!!!

29. Guys are more talkative than girls are especially when the topic is about girls.

30. You can truly say that a guy has good intentions if you see him praying sometimes.

31. If a guy says you're beautiful, that guy likes you.

32. Guys hate girls who overreact.

33. Guys love you more than you love them IF they are serious in your relationships.

What I Want

What I Want

I want to go to the ocean,
And climb the highest dune.
I want you to undress me,
Beneath the summer moon.

I want to stand under the stars,
Held tight in your embrace,
I want to drink in your lust,
As you remove my gown of red lace.

I want to surrender my body,
To your every need and desire.
I want to be a willing victim.
Of your burning, passionate fire.

I want to taste the kisses,
From your soft and tender lips.
I want to feel the shivers,
From the touch of your fingertips.

I want to lie beneath you,
And feel the heat from your skin.
I want you to lift my soul,
To heights it's never been.

I want to be left breathless,
Begging and pleading for more.
I want to spiral into ecstasy
As you rock me to the core.

prayers

eto mga prayers ng mga babae.


7yo: Lord, give me superman!

15yo: Lord,give me a cute man!

in her twenties: Lord,give me a gorgeous man!

in her thirties: Lord,give me a good man!

in her forties: Lord,give me a MAN...

fifties: Lord,give me kahit sino MAN..

sixties+ : Lord,sige na naMAN!

L.O.V.E. lines

H.O.L.L.A.N.D. - Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.
I.T.A.L.Y. - I Trust And Love You.
L.I.B.Y.A. - Love Is Beautiful; You Also.
F.R.A.N.C.E. - Friendships Remain And Never Can End.
C.H.I.N.A. - Come Here.. I Need Affection.
B.U.R.M.A. - Between Us, Remember Me Always.
N.E.P.A.L. - Never Ever Part As Lovers.
I.N.D.I.A. - I Nearly Died In Adoration.
K.E.N.Y.A. - Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.
C.A.N.A.D.A. - Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction
K.O.R.E.A. - Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every Adversity.
E.G.Y.P.T. - Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!
R.U.S.S.I.A. - Romance Under the Sky & Stars is Intimate Always.
M.A.N.I.L.A. - May All Nights Inspire Love Always.
B.A.L.I.W.A.G. - Beauty And Love I Will Always Give.
M.A.L.A.B.O.N. - May A Lasting Affair Be Ours Now.
I.M.U.S. - I Miss U, Sweetheart.
P.A.S.I.G. - Please Always Say I'm Gorgeous.
C.E.B.U. - Change Everything... But Us.
P.E.R.U. - Porget Everyone... Remember Us.
P.A.R.A.N.A.Q.U.E. - Please Always Remain Adorable, Nice
And Quiet Under Ecstacy.
T.O.N.D.O. - Tonight's Our Night, Dearest One.
P.A.S.A.Y. - Pretty And Sexy Are You.
Y.E.M.E.N. - 'Yugyugan Every Morning, Every Night.
M.A.R.L.B.O.R.O. - Men Always Remember Love Because Of
Romance Only.
Y.A.M.A.H.A. - You Are My Angel! Happy Anniversary!
And a favorite acronym so far:
P.H.I.L.I.P.P.I.N.E.S. - Pumping Hot.. I Love It! Please Please..
I Need Erotic Stimulation
P.A.T.E.R.O.S. - Papi Always Tired & Exhausted Really Over Sex.

Nanay vs. Anak

Nanay vs. Anak

Nanay:hala! Sige layas at wag kanang babalik at wag mo na akong tatawagin na nanay! At hinde narin kita tatawaging anak!
Anak:sige dude alis n ako!

TAWA MUNA TAYO

T: Ano ang tawag sa kababaihan na kontra sa SONA ni Gloria?
S: AMASONA!
***
Naghihingalo ang tatay…
ANAK: Tatay, ano po ang gusto ninyo? Magpa­libing o magpa-cremate?
TATAY: Ikaw na ang bahala, anak. I-surprise mo na lang ako.
***
Sa isang bus…
IGOROT: 'Yung kam­bing, baboy at tatlong manok ko, nakasakay ba?
KUNDOKTOR: Opo, sir. 'Yun pong pamasahe nila?
IGOROT: Singilin mo sila kung may pera sila!
(Makalipas ang limang oras…)
IGOROT: Para na! 'Yung kambing, baboy at tatlong manok ko?
KUNDOKTOR: Bumaba sila, sir. Wala raw pamasahe.
***
CHARLIE: Pare, kumusta na 'yung nililigawan mo?
MARLON: Meron na akong bagong prospect. Doktora siya. Kaya lang, manhid sa panliligaw ko.
CHARLIE: Anong klase bang doktora siya?
MARLON: Anesthe­siologist.
***
SIR: Inday! Halika na rito! Bilis! Lumapit ka na sa akin!
INDAY: Sir, huwag po! Isusumbong ko kayo kay ma'am!
SIR: Ano naman ang isusumbong mo?
INDAY: Sasabihin ko kay ma'am na hindi kayo marunong humalik, pa­nay yakap lang!
***
TIMOTEO: Bakit ganyan kang kumilos? Bading ka yata, eh!
RAMON: Bah! Pare, hindi ko gusto 'yang tabas ng dila mo, ah?!
TIMOTEO: Pasensya na pare kung napagduda­han kita… Hayaan mo, hindi na mauulit.
RAMON: Hindi, pare! Parang hinahamon mo na ako sa salita mo, eh… Gusto mo, lips-to-lips tayo, eh?! Tingnan natin kung sino ang unang bibigay!
***
MANUEL: Bakit 'yung airplane, pag umikot ang elise, umaangat sa lupa? 'Yung electric fan, hindi?
EMILIO: Tanga ka pala, eh! Kasi, 'yung electric fan, may kurdon. Pini­pigilan kaya 'yun?!
***
MARUYA: Magpapa­hula po ako kung kailan ako magkaka-boyfriend.
MADAM VUHALA: Haller, iha?! Sa itsura mong 'yan?! Expect ka ng boyfriend?! Patawa ka?! Pinaiinit mo ang ulo ko!
***
BINATA: Alam mo, you're like the sun for two reasons.
DALAGA: Ha? Bakit?
BINATA: First, you brighten up my day. Se­cond, you're hot.
DALAGA: Ang sweet naman! You're like the moon na!
BINATA: Ha?! Bakit?!
DALAGA: I want to see you tonight!
***
ELMO: Ano'ng tawag sa pagkaing dagat na nagsisimula sa letter 'C'?
RANDY: Calamares!
ELMO: Hindi!
RANDY: Hay, naku! Huwag mo nga akong pinag­loloko! O, sige… ano?
ELMO: C-foods!
***
WALIS AIRLINES
Sakay na kayo sa lokal na eroplano!
Bago itong imbento!
Walang gasolina, walang piloto…
Walis Airlines, it's easy to ride, it's very fine!
Walang aircon pero presko! Walang usok, kasi, walang tambutso…
SAKAY NA!
***
T: Anong kanser ang nakukuha sa kape?
S: Breast cancer.
T: Bakit?
S: Kape-pindot, kape-pisil, kape-piga, kape-pihit.
***
Sa edad nating ito, ingat na lang tayo sa mga sakit ng mga tumatanda.
Kagaya mo, parang prone ka sa sakit na… OSTEO'PURO'SEX!
Nakakahawa raw 'yan! INGAT!
***
JUST A THOUGHT
Babaha pa kaya… kung beer ang ulan?
***
Minsan, ang sexlife ay parang Coke…ZERO!

***
Ang pag-ibig ay parang imburnal…
Nakakatakot mahulog… At pag nahulog ka, it's either by accident or sadyang tanga ka lang talaga.

***
Kapag ang vase, nahampas, mababasag. Idikit mo ng glue.
Kapag ang bayag, nahampas, didilaan ng bakla. Grabe! Sobrang tigas!

***
Ang maglakad nang matulin, hinahabol ng baklang kerengkeng.

***
Sabi nila, pag nakagat mong bigla ang dila mo, may nag-iisip sa 'yo.
Sana, makagat mo ang dila mo… para malaman mong naalala kita… maraming beses sana para mas masaya!
***
When you love someone, spare a little love for yourself. Enjoy other things around you and don't ever let your world REVOLVE around him/her.
Ano ka… EARTH?
Tapos, siya, SUN?
Sira pala kayo, eh!
***
Iiyak ka ba kapag namatay ako?
Kung bukas na 'yun… favor naman, o…
Pengeng alak…
Nate-tense ako, eh!
***
"Pagkatapos mo akong gahasain, pagsamantalahan, pinuhin at tadtarin… ngayon naman, iiyak ka?!" – SIBUYAS
***
"No matter how strong we hold on, still there comes a time that suddenly we fall…" – BUTIKI, nag-e-emote
***
PICK-UP LINES
"Geometry ba ang favorite subject mo? Kasi, kahit anong angle, ang cute mo…"
"Alam mo ba, scien­tist ako. At ikaw ang lab ko."
"Ano'ng height mo? Paano ka nagkasya sa puso ko?"
"Ang galing mo siguro sa puzzles. Kas, umaga pa lang, nabuo mo na ang araw ko."
"Hindi tayo tao… hindi tayo hayop… bagay tayo!"
"Troso ka ba? Ang sarap mong sibakin, eh!"
"Bangin ka ba? Nahulog kasi ako sa 'yo!"
"I'm a bee… can you be my honey?"
"My licensa ka ba? Coz you're driving me crazy!"
***
Minsan, mali tayo sa napili nating mahalin.
Nasaktan sa maling pagmamahal.
Umiyak sa maling dahilan.
At kung tatanungin mo ako… wala akong alam diyan.
Kasi, kagigising ko lang!
***
Nahihiya na 'ko sa 'yo…
Kasi, madalang kitang ma-text.
Busy kasi ako mas­yado.
Ikaw?
Bakit hindi mo 'ko tine-text?
Hindi ka ba nahihiya?
Artista pa ang nagte-text sa 'yo?!
***
Hindi naman ako WEBSITE…
Bakit kaya maraming nali-link sa 'kin?
***
Ang buhay ko ay parang isang masarap na sauce…
Maraming nakikisawsaw!

TAWA MUNA TAYO

TAWA MUNA TAYO


Misis : Darling, ano ang tawag sa isang asawa na sexy, maganda, hindi selosa, mapagmahal, masipag, mapagkalinga, masarap magluto?
Mister: Guni-guni!

***
TANONG: Paano mo sasabihin sa isang babae na mataba siya nang hindi siya mababastos?
SAGOT: 'Uhm, excuse me, miss...Mang Tomas ba ang lotion mo?'

***
Aanhin ko an g napa kalaking bahay, mamahaling sasakyan, milyun-milyong kayamanan, at masasarap na pagkain kung ang kapit-bahay ko ang may-ari ng
mga iyun?!

***
Nanay: Ano 'tong malaking zero sa test paper mo?
Anak : Hindi po 'yan zero, 'Nay. Naubusan lang ng star ang teacher ko kaya binigyan niya ako ng moon! Moon lang 'yan, 'Nay, promise!

***
Mga sikat na salawikain:
Better late than pregnant.
Kapag may tiyaga, good luck!
Aanhin pa ang damo...kabayo ba ako?
Do unto others, then, run! Run! Run!
Ang hindi magmahal sa sariling wika ay lumaki sa ibang bansa.
Ang lalaking nagigipit, sa bakla kumakapit..

***
Guro: Sino si Jose Rizal ?
Juan: Di ko po kilala.
Guro: Ikaw Pepe?
Pepe: Di ko rin po kilala..
Guro: Di nyo kilala si Jose Rizal?
Pedro: Ma'm, baka po sa kabilang section sya!

***
Paano humamon ng AWAY ang ...
BULAG?
Magpakita kayo mga Duwag!
DULING?
Isa Isa Lang! para patas ang Laban!
PILAY?
Patay kung Patay! Walang Takbuhan!

***
Husband: Kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyon ko bukas, ikaw na sana ang bahala sa lahat-lahat. .. I LOVE YOU!
Wife: Tumigil ka! wala pang namamatay sa TULI!

***
Pedro: &nbs p; &nb sp; Pare balita ko bading ka daw. totoo ba?!
Ambo: Pare, Mga chismax lang 'yun galing sa mga chuvanes na walang magawa sa mga chenilyn nila.... chura nila! hmpf!

***
Boy: Di na tuloy ang kasal natin
Girl: Bakit?!
Boy: Kuya mo kasi eh!
Girl: Hindi no! Gusto ka ng Kuya ko!
Boy: Yun nga eh...gusto ko rin ang kuya mo!


***
Juan: San ka galing?
Pedro: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?
Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh... Lumalaban!!

***
BALIW (tumawag sa mental hospital): & nbsp; Hello... may tao po ba sa Room 168?

Telephone Operator: Wala po, bakit?
Baliw: Check ko lang kung nakatakas talaga ako! ***


Misis: lolokohin ko mister ko, magpapanggap ako na prosti dito sa kanto.
Timing (dumaan ang mister nya....)
Misis : &nbs p; Pogi! available ako ngayon, pwede ka ba?
Mister: Yoko sayo...kamukha mo misis ko!

***
American guy named Paul challenged a Filipino:
American: Use my name 4 times in a sentence!
Pedro: Paul, be carePaul, you might Paul in the swimmingPaul.


***
Biyaya na makukuha sa Gulay:
AMPALAYA - pampapula ng dugo
KALABAS A - &n bsp;pampalinaw ng mata
TALONG - pampatirik ng mata
MANI - pampatirik ng TALONG. Ay! nalito na ako.

***
Quote for the Day...
Ang Buhay ay parang bato...it's Hard.


***
Kapag may kaaway ka, tandaan mo....dito lang ako... dito lang talaga ako...tapos dyan ka lang, wag kang pupunta dito! Baka madamay ako.

***
Prospective Employer to Applicant: ' So why did you leave your previous job?'
Applicant: ' The company relocated and they did not tell me where!'

***
Juan: Birthday ng asawa ko...
Pedro: Ano regalo mo?
Juan: Tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
Pedro: Ano naman sinabi?
Juan: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
Pedro: Ano binigay mo?
Juan: Baraha.

pinoy joks

Martha: Mare, pwede ba, dito muna ako sa inyo? Lumayas ako sa amin. Kasi, buntis ako.

Guada: Dapat, sa taong nakabuntis sa 'yo ka pumunta!

Martha: Kaya nga rito ako pumunta, eh. Nandiyan ba si pare?


***


may isang pangit na dalaga na humiling sa kanyang Fairy Godfather. Sabi ng pangit na dalaga, 'Ninong Fairy, may mapa ako rito ng Amerika. Dalhin mo ako roon para matagpuan ko ang gwapong lalaki na magmamahal sa akin.' 'Hindi pwede!' tugon ng Fairy Godfather. 'Dito lang sa Pilipinas gumagana ang kapangyarihan ko!'

'O, sige,' pag-ayon ng pangit na dalaga, 'Maging ordinaryong tao ka na lang at pakasalan mo ako!'

Sagot ng Fairy Godfather, 'Patingin nga uli ng 'tang 'nang mapang 'yan at baka magawan ng paraan!'



***


Sa isang restaurant…

RUDOLF: Hot tea, please.

NICOLAS: Ako rin, hot tea. Make sure malinis ang baso. Pagkaraan ng limang minuto…

WAITER: Order n'yo, dalawang hot tea. Kanino nga 'yung malinis ang baso?


***


ANAK: Nanay, ano po ang ulam natin?

NANAY: Tingnan mo na lang sa ref natin.

ANAK: Parang wala naman tayong ref, 'Nay!

NANAY: Ibig sabihin, wala tayong ulam!


***


PEDRO: Ano ang mas mahalaga, pera o asawa?

JUAN: Syempre, pera! Kasi, ang pera, habang tumatagal, lumalaki ang interes.

Ang asawa, habang tumatagal, nawawalan ka ng interes, tapos, inuubos pa ang pera mo

***


T: Ano ang pinakamasakit na maramdaman kung matanda na tayo?

S: 'Yung paggising mo, tapos, pagtingin mo sa tagiliran, matanda rin ang iyong katabi


***

JUNIOR: Inay! Bibili ako ng HIGH CAKE!

INAY: Hindi iyon high cake, anak… HOT CAKE!

JUNIOR: Kahit ano pa siya, pahingi na lang po ng barya!

INAY: Kumuha ka na lang sa SOLDIER BAG ko!


***

MISTER: Isa sa mga bata ang kumuha ng pera sa pitaka ko!

MISIS: Sobra ka! Ba't mo pinagbibintangan ang mga bata? Malay mo, ako?!

MISTER: Siguradong hindi ikaw! Kasi, may natira!

***

REPORTER: Ano po ba ang nangyari?

IMBESTIGADOR: Ninakawan ang opisina ni Congressman Curacot.

REPORTER: Malaki siguro ang natangay. Ngayon ko lang nakitang nagalit nang ganyan si Congressman Curacot.

IMBESTIGADOR: Maliit lang. Pero talagang ganyan ang buhay. Ang magnanakaw, galit sa kapwa congressman!


***

MISTER: Alam mo, kahit lasing akong umuwi, hindi naman ako maingay.

MISIS: Hindi ka nga maingay, pero 'yung dalawang bumuhat sa 'yo, maingay!


***

Naglalakad ang dalawang lasing sa riles ng tren…

LASING #1: Pare, ang hirap nitong hagdan… ang daming steps!

LASING #2: Hindi lang 'yan, pare… ambaba ng hawakan!


***

Ang tawag sa gumagawa ng tubo, TUBERO. Ang tawag sa kumukuha ng basura, BASURERO.

Ang tawag sa mahilig sa gimik, GIMIKERO. Sa maraming babae, BABAERO.

Ang tawag sa nakaupo sa kanto…

Tambay, pare. Tambay.


***

Sa tindahan ni Aling Nena…

Ely: (pasigaw) Pabili po ng SAFEGUARD!!!

Aling Nena: (galit na sumigaw rin) Huwag kang sumigaw riyan! Hindi ako bingi! Anong SIM CARD?!

Globe o Smart?!


***

William: Absent ako kahapon, kasi, nakunan ang nanay ko at ako ang naiwan…

Titser: Speak English because this is an English class.

William: I was absent yesterday because my mother was subtraction and I was the remainder!


***

Sa psychiatric ward…

Nars: Nasa isip mo ba ang pamilya mo?

Pasyente: Oo naman! Syempre!

Nars: (natuwa) Nasaan na ba ang pamilya mo?

Pasyente: Nasa isip ko nga, eh! Tanga ka ba?!

***

'Hindi lahat ng malaki ang tiyan at nakapula na namimigay ng Pamasko, si Santa Claus…' – JOLLIBEE

'Hindi lahat ng may sayad, baliw.' – GULONG

'Hindi lahat ng magaling kumanta, singer.' – POLICE INFORMER

'Hindi lahat ng nilalawayan, batang nausog.' – SOBRE

'Hindi lahat ng kuneho, tumatalon.' – PHILIPPINE RABBIT

'Hindi lahat ng bumabakat, malaswa.' – BILBIL

'Pansalo lang ba talaga ako ng itlog?' – BRIEF
***

Host: What is your edge over the other contestants?

Contestant: My edge is... 21 years old.

Host: How do you see yourself 10 years from now?

Contestant: I'll be 31

Affected by "melamine"

Not a good day.....

When you walk out the door in the morning and see this in the sky......

.....just go back inside, have another cup of coffee, and stay home. It's NOT going to be a good day.

Affected by "melamine"

"MELAMINE"

1.What really is poisoned milk？

It is the milk powder mixed with "MELAMINE"



What is Melamine use for？It is an industrial chemical
use in the production of melawares.



It is also used in home decoration.
"US resistant board"






Do you understand？Melamine is use in industrial production，it cannot be eaten！


2.Why is Melamine added in milk powder？

The most important nutrient in milk is protein. And Melamine has the same protein that contains "NITROGEN"



Adding Melamine in milk reduces milk content and it is cheaper then milk so it lowers capitalization.
It can give the business man more profit!。

below is Melamine，doesn't it look like milk？
it doesn't have any smell, so cannot be detected。







3.When was it discovered？

Year 2007　US cats and dogs died suddenly, they found that pet food from China contains Melamine.



Starting 2008, In China, an abnormal increase
in infant cases of kidney stones.



August 2008 China Sanlu Milk Powder tested
with Melamine



Sept. 2008　New Zealand gov't ask China to check this problem
Sept. 21, 2008　Lots of food products in Taiwan tested with Melamine


4.What happens when Melamine is digested？

Melamine remains inside the kidney. It forms into stones
blocking the tubes. Pain will be eminent and person cannot urinate. Kidney will then swell.


Although surgery can remove the stones, but it will cause irreversible kidney damage. It can lead to loss of kidney function and will require
kidney dialysis or lead to death because of uremia.

What is dialysis？In fact, it should be called "blood washing"
it is filtering all of the body's blood into the machine and then go back to the body.



The whole process takes 4 hours and it is necessary to dialysis once for every 3 days for the rest of your life。

Here is a dialysis center


Large dialysis center



A small hole is required in the arm to insert the
sub-dialysis catheter.



Why is it more serious in babies？Because the kidney is very small and they drink a lot of milk powder.

Here is a baby undergoing dialysis.



China currenty has 13,000 infants hospitalized



It does not matter how much a human being took
Melamine. The important point is "It cannot be EATEN!"


5.What are the foods to be avoided?

Foods that contain dairy products should be avoided.


Remember: Foods with creamer or milk should
be avoided.


6.Which companies are affected？

Hereunder are the companies affected with Melamine.



7.What do we do next？

Avoid the above foods for at least six months。

If you have snack bar, restaurant or coffee shops。
Stop selling dairy products for the meantime.

If you have infants at home, change to mother's milk
or find other substitutes.。

Finally, share this information with friends so
they will understand the risk of milk poisoning。

Korean pick-up lines

Dhwee hae ahn ja - Let's Go To The back Seat

Sarang Hae Yo - I love you

Ah jeek sool ahn chee hae suh? - Are you drunk yet?

Ani? Gurum Chingu eesuh? - No? Then Do you have any friends?

Nuh Hah go ja go sheep oh. - I want to sleep with you.

Nae ga nuh jut gae mahn dul oh? - Do I make you horny baby? Well do I?

Nuh Ahrum da wuh - You are beautiful

Bulgogee mahn dul soo eet suh? - Can you cook Bulgogi?

Oht buh suh - Take off your clothes

Noraebang gal lae? - Do you want to go Karaoke?

Nah Benzu Eets-suh - I have a Benz

Nol Jah - Let's Play (go out and party etc...)

Soo gahp eets-suh? - Do you have handcuffs?

Whae nah ul gul dae ryut suh? - Why did you slap me?

Sool sah jul guh? - Can I buy you a drink?

Benti Eebus-suh? - Are you wearing any underwear?

The Four Stages of Life

THATS REALITY!!!

I just want one more day with you

I just want one more day with you

I'm so sad and depressed
Is all I want to do is rest
I go to sleep at night
But my dreams I just can't fight

I think of you lying in that bed
And wonder if there is anything I could have said
I wish you were still here
But I know that you are still near

I love you more than you know
I just wish you didn't have to go
I just want one more day with you
And I know thats what you would have wanted too

I miss you more and more each day
There is so much more we had to say
I know I will see you again
But my life is just started to begin.

Shortcuts to Work Fast in Internet Explorer

Shortcuts to Work Fast in Internet Explorer

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